Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
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