maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
