if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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