Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Randomize
