We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
