Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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