Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
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