If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
