I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
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