did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
NoShamevember. You game?
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Randomize
