we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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