I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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