an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
