There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Randomize
