gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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