just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Randomize
