you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
