I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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