be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
