Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
