My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
you inspire me to be a worse person
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
