Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
