I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Randomize
