Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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