he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
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