More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
