She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
