I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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