i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
