I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize