its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
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