We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
