Christians are straight up FREAKS
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Randomize
