We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
