"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
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