fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
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