I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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