i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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