Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
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