a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Shitshow foam night was such a success
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
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