there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
