I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
