Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
