no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Randomize
