Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
