Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
