Your dad touched me again.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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