She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize