I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
