I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Randomize
