Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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