Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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